5 Things to Know About My Life Post-Surgery

Almost 10 years ago, I had my appendix out. Everyone acted like it was a big deal, and it kind of was at the time since it was also the last two weeks of my senior year of college. But what I remember is that my appendix was taken out on Sunday night, and I was dressed up wearing heels for a wedding on Saturday. NOT A BIG DEAL.

Now that it’s been seven weeks since my surgery, and I’m officially off crutches (but still wearing a brace at times), people assume I’m all better. Sadly, it’s not true. In the meantime, I’ve had several people asking for advice on my knee surgery because they need the same thing, too. Thus, this list is for everyone who is considering knee surgery, or is connected with them in some way:

1. Every step I take is a gigantic effort. Not just physically, but mentally. When I’m in a public space (grocery store, work, parking lot), I’m FREAKING OUT because people are careless and I can’t run or jump or even quickly sidestep to avoid things. I was at a play on Saturday night, and despite the fact that I brought my crutch to be safe, people were jostling me and cutting in front. I’m sure the vein in my forehead was quite prevalent.

2. I don’t want to hear about how you don’t have motivation to go to the gym. Just fucking go already. I haven’t been able to do ANYTHING that makes me sweaty for TWO MONTHS (or really NINE if you count my initial knee blow out) and all I want to do is go for a run or lift some weights or throw a javelin. SOMETHING! Did you know I was doing one legged push ups two weeks after surgery just to get moving? So get off your ass and go.

3. Sitting for long periods of time is gigantic effort. My knee gets really stiff or almost locked into place if I sit for a while, so for as much as a movie might pass the time, it’s still painful. I can’t walk. I can’t sit. Kill me know.

4. I will not hesitate to hit a stranger with my crutch. You wouldn’t believe how many people won’t stop to let me cross the street or try to squeeze dangerously by me in a crowd for being a little slow! At first I assumed the kids at school were jerks because that’s what kids do. I close-lined a couple kids in the hall with my crutch and they got the message. But then I was at Kaiser just trying to go up the elevator and some dude snuck in front while I was stepping in. I was like, “Hey dude, I’ve got a crutch over here.” He just looked at me and shrugged. When the elevator arrived at our floor, I threw my crutch in front of his foot and said, “LADIES FIRST, DICK,” and proceeding to crutch exceedingly slowly out. (4a. I have no patience right now, either).

5. The Jersey Shore is my new favorite show. OMG. How have I been so judgmental without ever having watched an episode?! This show is pure comical genius!  While laying around attempting to amuse myself in a non-active and non-sedentary kind of way, a show like Jersey Shore is priceless. I don’t really have to pay attention, but I get new fabulous catch phrases and mindless entertainment. BTW, Snooki is my favorite.

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